So much is going on i can’t hold all this stress in one body, im going to burst and collapse at any second. I cant sleep at all, i cant eat right, i cant think. Not a day goes by where i dont come home tired to the bone. Test every day, homework all night, work work work work. I feel like i’ve skipped 10 years of my life. Physically I feel so lethargic, struggling to catch tiny breaths of air and find the bit of energy to pride open my eyes in every class so i dont obfuscate at the scene.
DI tournament this weekend and im hoping this week takes forever because i really dont want to go. I haven’t really been helping out, in fact im in the way. Im so quiet and useless and sad everything makes me cry i don’t know why i have to be this way why cant i jusst be like the rest of my group. Why cant i open up to what i call to be some of my closest friends. Why cant i open up, why cant i talk, why do i always have to cry. I just want to be happy i just want to have normal people to people interaction What is wrong with me….everything. Today after school the teacher who organizes DI asked me why im never at the meeting and that i don’t deserve to go to state, and the worst part is that i agree with her 100%. I dont deserve to go. Ive been at mandatory tutoring every day after school since the beginning of school year. She was probably thinking “look at this dumb girl doing something she cant commit to because she’s too dumb”. I even have to miss an AP Computer Science Prep-session which means my teacher is goint to kill me because i am literally his worst student. OHMyyG00ddd.
On top of all of this, probably the saddest of all, my dog recently died and it mourns every cell in my body. How much i miss my little girl. They said not to get attached to animals but how do i not. How do i not give my heart to a dog that gives me all of theirs. How how. It’s not fair, her life was so short. I didn’t even get to take her to a park once because she couldnt walk correctly, why couldn’t i have given her more of my time. Im all to blame, but i hope she forgives me. Oh God how much i miss her. How she used to never stop smiling how she always tried to run to me even though she fell. All that joy, all that love she gave to me. Its the only thing that made this house feel like home.
But im used to feeling this way, it’s no surprise to me at all anymore.